Our Pastor Kathy has asked for me to give my testimony. This ostensibly means the story of my spiritual journey thus far in my life. While I know this tale is an interesting one she might as well have asked me for the meaning of life or an answer to world hunger or a solution for global peace. It’s not that I have any problem sharing this narrative or even have any problem with public speaking, it is difficult to put 50 years of life and experience into a clear, concise, engaging form and use only 15 minutes. The complexity and convoluted -ness of my yarn is impossible to relate within such a constraining time span but I will try. I’ve had to pick a thread in the tapestry and follow it alone as opposed to weaving the entire weft and warp for you. In this forum I am limited but if you would like to hear the whole story sometime, let’s have lunch. J

I was born the eldest of four children to a Lutheran stay-at-home Mom and a Roman Catholic elementary school teacher Dad. When my parents announced their intent to marry, my father’s mother, a devout Catholic, would only give her blessing to their union if they raised their children Catholic. My mother, having no deep religious convictions or connections at that time agreed to the arrangement. Soon we kids began to arrive and as we reached the proper ages we were sent to our Religious instructions. I look back into my earliest memories and can’t say I ever did not believe in God. I don’t remember any time in my childhood when spiritual things were taught at home but recall that when I reached the second grade I was very excited to begin those religious instructions. Now, finally I would get to learn about God and launched into my Catechism with enthusiasm.

So my journey began and since then I have had an enduring, deep, hungry spiritual yearning. Even at that tender age I wanted answers and craved intimate knowledge of my Creator. I sought out those that I thought could help my curiosity but found the responses I got to my queries to be full of “mystery” and “acceptance by faith”. That was inadequate for me and I hungered for more. I felt a need for closer communication with the Divine but was given the understanding that God was to be kept at arm’s length and certainly wasn’t approachable by mere mortals such as myself. But God loved me! Why did there have to be that distance between us? My teachers told me “mystery”, accept it on faith. I still felt compelled to be closer and to take an active, leading role in my association with my God. Well, did I think I wanted to become a nun? Oh, please, no! I saw that way of life as limited and limiting but, at that time, it was the only option open to a female in the Catholic Church. I began to despair of having any true and meaningful expression of my relationship with my God. I didn’t see myself in the only pigeonhole offered to one of my gender and I had little exposure to other choices. This caused discontent and discouragement to be part of my church experience and I started to rebel against my religion.

At that time, my parents gave me their only bit of spiritual counsel. Up to that moment they relied upon my instructors to give me my faith training and added little of their own insight. As I struggled with the perceived inequities they told me, in reference to my religion, “You get out of it what you put into it.” This sounded lame and trite and hollow but it launched me into an era of involvement with my church that was new and somewhat exciting. I started to serve as a lector for the Mass. For the non-Catholic, this was just the person who led the order of service by starting the readings and pretty much just keeping the flow of the program going. A Catholic Mass is a Catholic Mass is a Catholic Mass and needs no real leading so the task was nothing more than reading text mostly memorized by all Catholics. I also joined with the “Folk” Mass group playing and singing for the more casual services held in the Church Hall. These two activities cemented a couple things for me. I still love music, especially sacred or praise music and I developed a hunger for more of the Scriptures. That yearning led me to begin reading the Holy Book on my own for growth and information, a difficult process for the untutored. Without direction or instruction I found the Bible tedious but it seemed good and right to seek solace in those sacred words. I found myself wanting answers to even more questions and was still discomfited in my soul. I felt as if I had no place within my Church. I wasn’t quite good enough, sufficient enough; “something” enough and I resented it. I knew and appreciated the generosity of God and wanted desperately to give back of myself but had no comprehendible means of doing so. The frustration grew.

A large part of my understanding of God came from a lifelong appreciation for and a reveling in the wonders of Nature. I’ve always loved the out-of-doors and been an amateur naturalist and camper for most of my life. I saw all of creation as the beautiful, tangible glory of God. To me this was evidence of the presence or existence of God and would find myself far more worshipful while observing a dramatic sunset than ever I could be in a stuffy sanctuary full of incense and icons. It therefore was no unusual thing for me to wind up working at summer resident camps and when I was hired to work at a church camp while in the midst of my spiritual disgruntlement it seemed Divinely inspired. I would certainly not have chosen to associate with a different denomination, being a good “holier-than-thou” Catholic, yet there I was, barely 20, needing a job, discontented, rebellious, detached, alienated, somewhat marginalized and along came the opportunity to work for a fundamentalist, evangelical, protestant church. Yikes! I was Catholic. I wasn’t a “holy roller”. I wasn’t a “Jesus freak”. I knew my “thou shall nots” and didn’t need anything else, or did I?

The beginning of that particular summer was miserable. I was deeply ill at ease with everything in my life. I was dissatisfied with my job, my church, my self, my hopes, my education, my friends and my family since none of them seemed to be leading me into an existence that I could find contentment with. I wanted… what? I needed…. what? I felt out of place and envied the other staff members who appeared to have the strength and tranquility I lacked. It didn’t take long to find out the source of their grounded-ness. They claimed a personal relationship with God. Personal? But God is “out there” and I can’t be worthy of that type of intimacy. That is only for those with a vocation and calling to that kind of life. What do you mean I can have it, too? Just ask? Really? Really. “Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened.” WOW!

I knocked and it opened and I started on an amazing journey. I began to learn what this newfound relationship was all about. I could be a friend of God? I could talk directly with my Creator without a priest standing in between? I could read and learn from the Scriptures without any of them being “too lofty” for me? This was liberating knowledge and I embraced it wholeheartedly. I truly felt “born again”, new, fresh, beginning from a proper starting place. I looked forward to the future now that I had this reassurance of the closeness of my God. Not but a couple weeks after this conversion experience came a clear and distinct “calling” to sacred service. God spoke. I heard but I was confused. This call seemed to take me away from the church of my youth and put me into the one that ran this camp I was working at. Neither what I expected nor what I thought I could actually do. What do you mean you want me to go into ministry with a denomination I barely know, much less attend. God, do you know what you’re asking? Silly question. God knew and by that autumn I launched into yet another new aspect of my spiritual development- preparing to enter the seminary of an unknown church.

I immersed myself in this new religious affiliation. They accepted women on an equal level with men and gladly ordained them. I knew I had found my niche. I became a member, studied my Bible, read copiously, and participated in every activity whenever the doors were open. It was more than just not doing the “thou shall not”s, it was all about doing the “thou shall”s. Actually, I was so busy doing the “do”s, I had no time to do the “don’t”s but when I first applied to their seminary I was turned down. I couldn’t understand that but was given the reason as being too new, too green, to young in my association with this denomination. So for the next year I doubled my efforts to become a desirable candidate for ministry. I studied harder, read even more, took the requisite tests, had the necessary interviews, got busier with local projects and outreaches, worked with women’s groups, men’s groups, children’s groups, senior citizens groups and not only was at church any time the doors were open, I opened the doors. For another year I did the work of an associate pastor and applied again for seminary and was again turned down. This time the roadblock was financial. I didn’t have enough money. Back to work, make some money and acquire more learning. I was tutored in all aspects of church life and did virtually any and all tasks needed. From office work and bookkeeping to custodial and upkeep to weekday programs and Sunday services, I did it all. I preached in the pulpit, ran a community center, did fundraising, visitation, counseling, program planning, public relations, governing board work and office duty. There was not an area where I was not deeply involved. I did this for 10 years with the same result every time I applied for training. Something was always not good enough, didn’t measure up and after a decade of hoping I could reach my intended goal, I quit. I was stunned, demoralized, disenchanted, discouraged and broken hearted. If this was where God had wanted me to serve, why wasn’t it happening? The reasons I was given seemed small and insignificant, almost petty so what was wrong with me? What was I doing wrong? I had been commended on my talents and abilities, praised for my ideas and innovations, given very high ratings for intelligence and aptitude, had the backing of my local congregation but why was I so unacceptable? Apparently I was just not what I needed to be, not sufficient, flawed and worthless, a painfully inadequate person.

Needless to say, this was a low point in my life. I left any church affiliation for a while, hoping to sort out what my existence would hold next but having no ambition, enthusiasm or direction left me wandering and resentful. My spirit hurt. I loved God but began to despise God’s people. I had no reason to expose myself to further pain, rejection and shame. I was thirty-few years old and had also just been diagnosed with a chronic, life threatening disease. I needed something to help me feel better about myself. I was in a sad and sorry state. I was economically impoverished, health challenged, emotionally needy, spiritually bereft and socially isolated. My morals and standards began to decline and I felt as if the world had been kicked out from under me. This should have been the time when faith came to my rescue but that was not the direction I turned. Instead, against the better judgment of the tiny voice of reason within me, I got married.

With him I felt as if I could find meaning for my life in our relationship together. At that time he felt like my only friend and gave me a different focus. I could concentrate my energies on building a home and a life together. I put “me” on the back shelf and tried to become a “good Christian woman” whose husband is her sole reason for living. I got back to church, a different church, and proceeded to get right back into the thick of things. The emphasis was different, though. I was not striving toward any personal goal. I didn’t have to work so hard at not doing the “don’t”s, or doing the “do”s, I could spend more time and energy on the “be ye”s. That had great satisfaction but no real impetus to push for anything else. I could relax and enjoy the generosity of God but problems developed. My soul continued to yearn for more intimacy with the Divine and my husband was disinclined toward church. If I were going to be involved it would be without him. His personal interests were not the same as mine and soon we were not only not on the same page together about many things, we were in two completely different books. I felt he less and less valued me. For years the gulf widened and I despaired of having happiness in my life. I became closed and guarded, inwardly miserly and self-protecting. I kept my hands busy hoping to cover up the distress in my soul. I could not give any more of myself, I had too little in reserve. And yet another crisis came. There I was in my early 40’s and I found myself challenged further by receiving an acute and permanent disability. This, all the other setbacks in my life, combined with my mother’s death sent me over the edge and I was hospitalized for a time for depression. I tried to explain away so much of the pain in my soul and didn’t understand how God could have led me into this dark dismal place. My soul hurt, my heart hurt, my mind hurt, my body hurt and nowhere was there any comfort. Everything was shaky and I had no solid crutch to prop me up. Friends were no help, family seemed suspicious, church saw me as defective, husband was put-upon and I couldn’t even rely on myself for stability. Death seemed preferable. I had the means but no real desire. I still, in spite of all the demoralization and self-worthlessness I lived with, knew I was worthy to God. Somehow the depth of my being resonated with the acceptance and love my Creator had built into my soul. I was cherished deeply by the One who knew me best. I had purpose and meaning. I was significant and valued. I still did not understand my place or role but there was a reason I existed. I couldn’t thwart that kind of approbation. I still do not understand it. It is far more than any of us can comprehend but it is real and comforting as well as motivating. I resolved then and there to try and improve my situation.

I took medication to help with my mental state and it took a few more years before the opportunity arose for me to change the life I was living. When it changed, it changed in enormous ways disrupting my understanding of so many aspects of myself. I was not only transported but also transformed. I was not only liberated but also enlightened. I have needed to rethink, redo and re-be. I found deep contentment in a most surprising place and have received love in my life, joy in my heart and peace in my soul. In my relationship with God, I no longer worry about those thou shall not’s or the thou shall’s or even the be ye’s. Now I just AM. And I am now open, giving and unafraid. I have nothing to fear for I have nothing to lose. No one and nothing can send me again to the pits I’ve been in. No attitudes nor actions, expressions nor emotions can drag me away from this deep, spirit satisfying serenity: I am child of God, beloved of God, given to by God, giving back to God, existing by God’s grace and receiving God’s best. I still don’t know what I am to be in the grand scheme of things but I do know I am required to be the best “me” I can be and to do so to the honor and glory of the most amazingly generous and lavishly loving God-Friend ever. Thank you for being on this incredible journey with me.

If you like, please join with me in reading my personal version of The Lord’s prayer.

 

Tender Creator: I know you’re there but I have never seen you face to face. To think about you and give myself mental images of how you appear is to only imagine a small portion of who you are. I consider you and am awestruck and amazed. I see this world I inhabit filled with smatterings of your handiwork and it leaves me breathless at the perfection you have formed. I look forward to the day I can meet you in person with all the mystery removed and all you are available for me to experience deeply and personally. I have seen glimpses of you in everything around me from the variety of people and the beauty of the earth to the generosity and abundance shown by each creation. You have instilled in all you have made a huge capacity for gifting and that is not limited to just the human but the earthly as well. I anticipate the day when everyone and everything pours out the abundance with which they have been designed. I believe this is why you made this world in this way. Any place and time you are fully present is just a small corner of the whole picture and all we are equipped to see this with is narrow, constricted vision. Sometimes I feel as if I have been looking at your masterpiece through soda-straw binoculars. I get only the tiniest view at any given time and ache for the day I can look clearly and openly on your entire visage. Until then I am limited and needy so I request help to make it from day to day. Help me to remember that I need to pour out generously of all I have and am without reservation for myself. Remind me, please, to do this with intelligence, courage, and joy and without expecting reward. You’ll let me know if I did all right. Urge me on when I don’t feel so gracious and demonstrate your lavishness to keep me focused. I claim no other Creator but you and am delighted to be your child. Thank you for all your generous love. Without you I wouldn’t be able to be the best “me” you designed me to be. Let it be so.